By Amy Blakeslee
Apr 1, 2010
Parenting magazines often suggest that arguing in front of your children is one of the worst things that a couple can do. However, it may not be all that bad as long as the argument is reasonable and responsible and it follows a few guidelines. Children do not need to live in an ivory tower where nothing bad ever happens, and they do not need to be isolated from the fact that sometimes even the most loving parents can disagree. It is inevitable that a child will see their parents argue. If this is the very first argument, the child might panic and think it will lead to divorce automatically. Let them see a disagreement that is resolved a few times and they will be more accepting to future arguments.
Absolute No-No’s for Arguing
While arguing can be healthy and some couples do more of it than others, there are still some guidelines to keep in mind. These include:
• No foul names
• No bringing up things from the past
• No bringing up family or family history
• Absolutely nothing physical
• If either party starts to feel they are getting out of control, they must leave the room and come back when they are cooled down.
Why Arguing Might Be a Good Thing
While a fight may seem like a bad thing at the time, it can actually be helpful to clear the air. Disagreeing with your partner is completely natural, a concept that your child should learn early. Being able to express opinions that are contrary to your loved one’s is very healthy and can lead to an even stronger bond between the two of you. Allowing your child to think that parents never disagree gives them an unrealistic impression of what to expect of relationships in general. They may also think that they should not argue with others, which is dangerous especially when they get into peer pressure situations. Being able to express their own opinions is important for their self-esteem as well.
Arguing Musts
The most important thing to keep in mind is that arguing is not the same as fighting. Resolving a dispute is an important skill for children to learn and they learn the methods that they will usually use from their parents. Follow these guidelines for the most fair and productive arguments:
• Stick to the topic at hand and only the topic at hand.
• Allow each side to express their opinion without interruption.
• Agree that if resolution is not possible to drop the topic for the time being.
• Work toward a compromise that both parties feel comfortable with.
• Do not try to “win” the fight.
• Do not break any of the no-no’s in the process of arguing.
Child Specific Tips
Only you know your own child, but keep in mind that some are more sensitive than others. If you know that you have a child that might be upset by the argument, no matter how civilized, make sure that you discuss what is going on. Other children are not impressed at all, so don’t worry about the child that seems to be oblivious. They are still picking up tips on relationships whether they seem to react or not. If your child does seem to be upset, then take yourself out of the situation to calm them. However, keep in mind that some children know that they can manipulate their parents with a little dash of crocodile tears so try not to fall prey to their tricks.
In addition, never let your child take sides in a debate or show favoritism to one parent over another in what they think is a show of solidarity.
Finally, Remember that You Are Not JUST Parents
Some arguments have absolutely nothing to do with the children and are none of their business. These arguments should be had behind closed doors or in neutral territory rather than in front of the children.
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