Riding Out the Storm of Divorce

The reality of modern family life is that families come in several flavors.  This includes single-parent families, which usually don’t happen by choice.  Separation, death, and even work-related duties (such as a spouse being in the military) can cause families to dwindle down to one parent.  But the most common reason you may find yourself single and raising kids is due to divorce. 

According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the American divorce rate is 0.38% divorces per capita, annually, with one million children involved in a divorce every year.  This means if you’re heading up a single-parent family due to divorce your family is not uncommon.  Which is probably little comfort when you’re going through a divorce, but it does go to show that when families break apart, they somehow manage to get through it. 

The reasons for divorce are varied, but the outcome is always the same; you’re not going to spend the rest of your life with the person you married.  Whether you initiated the divorce, or not, you have to accept that you are most likely going to be partnerless for a while, yet you still have to co-parent with this person (even if they remarry).  This can be especially hard when suddenly everybody and everything seems to come in pairs, and you’re the only odd person out.  If this gets to you, just remember why you’re no longer married in the first place.  Even if the divorce was not your idea, it’s better to be alone than to be in an unhealthy relationship.

Because divorce either eats away at your self-esteem and/or causes guilt, it’s easy to let yourself cascade into a ravine of self-pity and depression.  A little mourning of the passing of your marriage is healthy in the grieving process, but don’t let it become your new way of life.  Perpetual malaise can lead to bitterness, and nothing wastes energy like holding a grudge.  If you do find yourself stuck in a pit of despair, it’s best to seek personal counseling from an accredited professional.  If you can’t afford that, there are several divorce support groups available for little or no cost (many can be found through your work, church, friends, and even the Internet), and if you still can’t afford that, then talk to a friend or relative who’s been through it.  Above all, don’t become a social shut-in who thinks time alone heals all wounds.  If you’re not in the right frame of mind, time can actually make things worse. 

To get your life on track, consider your future a new beginning, and not an end.  Try something new you’ve always wanted to do, but for whatever reason, never did. The British author J.K Rowling decided to take up writing after her husband left her and her young son.  The result of her divorce led to her pen the first Harry Potter book.  Several sequels and a movie franchise later, J.K. Rowling is doing just fine.  That’s not to say you have to write a bestseller to get by.  Something as simple as becoming a cub scout den mother, letting your friend give you a make-over, or taking guitar lessons can give you the distraction you need until you realize you aren’t going to fall apart like a wet tissue just because your marriage didn’t work out.

Also let your kids know you’re still a family, and that your divorce has nothing to do with them.  Statistics show that children of divorce blame themselves for their parents’ separation.  Therefore, it’s important you and your spouse make your kids understand your divorce is due simply to differences between the adults in the family.  It’s also a good idea to advise the school counselor about what’s going on at home, so if your child exhibits a change in behavior or performance, the school administration can provide the appropriate support.

Even though divorce was never what you planned, sometimes it just happens.  If it does, take comfort in knowing you’re not alone.  Millions of people a year don’t just get through it; they use it as an opportunity to make real changes in their lives -- sometimes for the better. 

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Stacy Dymalski is a freelance writer, filmmaker, and stand-up comic. Her screen credits include co-writer (with Zack Van Eyck)/director of the feature film "Jupiter Landing" and writer/director of the web sitcom series "Hagnet."  Stacy learned about being a parent the hard way: she became one. A working mom, Stacy finds the humorous lessons in family life and then writes about them in magazines and books (much to the annoyance of her two sons).  Stacy recently co-authored 'The Vixen Chronicles' with Brandy Pinkerman: