The Social Aspect of Parenting

The other day I was in line at the grocery store when the woman in front of me started counting out change into the clerk’s hand like she was introducing the number 10 on Sesame Street.  “One quarter, two quarters, three quarters, four dimes,…”  Since her bill was $56.47 I knew we’d be there a while.

Her ponytailed hair hidden under a baseball cap that read Washington Elementary and a quick glance at the items in her shopping bags told me all I needed to know; Cheerios, juice boxes, peanut butter, chicken noodle soup.  Yep, no doubt about it, she was a dedicated mom who needed to get out more. 

As anyone with kids knows, parenting is a fulltime job with no breaks.  So it’s no surprise if you wake up one day and suddenly realize your life now revolves around your son’s lacrosse team or your daughter’s dance lessons, and that your goals and interests seem about as attainable as winning American Idol.

But here’s the dirty little parenting secret that’s sometimes hard to accept.  Being a good parent does not mean spending every waking moment and brain cell on your kids.  In fact, just the opposite it true.  Constant parenting without any time for yourself can lead to resentment and repressed anger that comes out later in the form of screaming like a crazy person when someone forgets to change the toilet paper roll.  Every parent needs a break once in a while because no matter how much you love your children, they do not define you.  They are little people who depend on you and therefore they cannot meet your every need.  To think that they can puts way to much pressure on your relationship with them. 

That’s why having your own social life away from the kids is important.  As parents we spend so much of our time helping our little ones develop socially, that we sometimes forget to cultivate our own needs.  Getting away with your spouse, even for just an evening, reminds you that yes, in fact, you are still capable of having an adult conversation where you actually get to finish a sentence.  And you must admit, it feels good to put on nice clothes once in a while, go out to dinner and actually enjoy a hot meal because you don’t have to spend the first five minutes after the food comes cutting up someone else’s meat.  Such simple pleasures are sometimes all you need to heal that one last raw nerve that makes you cranky.

However, quality time without the kids doesn’t come cheap, especially when babysitters can double the cost of an evening out.  But your mental health is too important to put on the back burner just to save a few dollars.  If you and your spouse can’t afford to go out together, then take turns giving the other a night off to spend with friends.  Even if you just go over to a neighbor’s house for a glass of wine, join a book club, or walk around a mall window-shopping with your sister, reconnecting with other adults (and temporarily escaping the demands of parenthood) will make you a more relaxed and patient parent when you return to the nest.

The irony is, in order to be a good parent, sometimes you have to put parenting aside and be yourself.  Not only will you feel refueled after your break, but your kids will also benefit by getting to practice their own independence away from you.  Because let’s face it, if we’ve done our job right as parents, our children will eventually leave home confident, independent and ready to take on the world without us (even if, in our hearts, we still need them).

Stacy Dymalski is a freelance writer, filmmaker, and stand-up comic. Her screen credits include co-writer (with Zack Van Eyck)/director of the feature film "Jupiter Landing" and writer/director of the web sitcom series "Hagnet."  Stacy learned about being a parent the hard way: she became one. A working mom, Stacy finds the humorous lessons in family life and then writes about them in magazines and books (much to the annoyance of her two sons).  Stacy recently co-authored 'The Vixen Chronicles' with Brandy Pinkerman: